CW: Dysphoria, Violence, panic attacks, religious trauma.

Also on: "https://www.royalroad.com/profile/328234/fictions"

Chapter 1

Prologue

Once, there was a grey wolf. She ruled the whole forest, watching over the trees as they danced with the clouds, all the way down to the river fish who came and went as they pleased.

Then, she met a small wren. Their wing was broken, oh the poor thing, so she brought them with her. Wren and Wolf stayed together until the little wren’s wing healed, and it came time for them to move on. Except, they wanted to stay, but the wolf insisted.

By Wolf’s side was no place for Wren.

Reborn by Flames.

I’d never seen behind the curtain of the church before today. It separated a simple backroom from the pews and stage, made of heavy red fabric, it barely moved despite the drafts in this old building. I’d watched others spend their last moments as children waiting in this room, before their ceremonies.

Now it was my turn. Our turn.

The chair I was sat on shifted on uneven legs with each word from Father Joseph that filters through the gaps into this room. Lucero’s chair must’ve been crafted better, because she’s sat still, too still, next to me. A cold wind tore through the stagnant air of this heavy room, despite the warm summer night, dragging shivers through my skin.

The chills brought my nausea back full force. The worst part was I couldn’t figure out why I felt so sick. Dad made Caldo Santo for dinner, he’s made it for us the exact same way many times, but I guess it’s bound to go wrong eventually and that was this time.

My hands gripped the fabric tangled around my knees. This shirt was stiff and uncomfortable and impossible to move in, but Abuela insisted I wear it. It’s only proper.

It’s funny, I remember hanging onto every word Father Joseph said that night, as they were literally the ones I’d been waiting my whole life to hear. But I can’t remember a single one of them until I heard him call for “Lucero Vásquez”.

She placed a hand overtop of my own. If it hadn’t been looking, I wouldn’t have even known. I barely felt her light touch, before it drifted away. She stood up from her annoyingly stable chair and strode to the curtain in two steps, pulling it aside to disappear into the fabric’s embrace.

Freeing myself from my badly crafted wooden prison, I rose to the curtain, pulling it aside enough to look through.

Looking back, I cannot recall the words exactly, but I should have been able to, considering he gave the same speech every time.

Luc took the knife blade first from Father Joseph. She flipped it around, to hold it by the handle. There’s no moment of hesitation before she cut a line into her palm. She didn’t even wince.

Reaching over the brazier, she squeezed her hand tightly. Drops of blood fell slowly into a waiting bed of powder. Her eyes never left the brazier.

My breath caught, waiting for eternity in a second. It should’ve been instant, everyone knew that. Every eye in the church was on Lucero, and she would know it. She stared resolutely down at the brazier, like the metal bowl itself betrayed her.

Finally, a puff of blue smoke rose from the bowl.

The island itself breathed a sigh of relief. Some of the tension left my skin. She was exactly who she said, my sister would never betray us.

Luc exhaled, finally lowering her hand from the bowl, and clutching it in her uninjured one. She met the gaze of everyone watching head on as she strode forward to join our family in the back row.

No matter how I tried, I couldn’t remember the moments between then and when I was standing over the brazier, with my own bleeding hand out stretched. A round drop of deep red blood fell slowly like gravity was conspiring to make this moment excruiating. I swore it stopped in midair, just above the waiting powder. I couldn’t breathe. My whole life was decided here.

Until it made contact, only for nothing to happen. Something in my heart cracked, as my chest physically hurt, waiting for the world to shatter on the outside. This was it; I was never going to make my family proud, and I hadn’t even done anything wrong.

My vision was blurry, until I blinked away tears that had went unnoticed.

Stupid boy, crying in front of everyone.

A familiar wave of self loathing came over me, sharp and quick, taking me along for the ride. Father Joseph looked down at me in pity as I tried to compose myself. I tried to look past him, and found Luc staring back at me.

It was too hot, why’d we have to have our ceremony at the end of summer? In a packed Church, because everyone knows everyone here, all wearing annoyingly thick formal clothes and seeing right through the responses I’d rehearsed.

Luc made eye contact with me again, and I silently hoped for her to find some way to get us both out of here, away from the dozens of prying eyes, all coming to the same conclusion from the test results.

Please, I didn’t.

Flames danced across my skin as I came to awareness. However, it turned out to be the breeze through the window. When I tried stumbling to my feet, I almost fell face first over the floor, but I caught myself on the wall.

Luc came rushing in, urging me to sit down through the haze gathered around us. She finally answered me, when I asked what happened for the fourth time.

“You fainted,” She said quickly, “Heat stroke,” She’d explained, and I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit or she was speaking to the man walking in next to Dad.

Dad was finishing an explanation of what happened to Doctor John, apparently he’d carried me home, and the ceremony came back to me all at once. I’d have tripped again if Luc hadn’t made me sit.

I could barely hear the doctor through my own breaths. But he checked me out, and prescribed at least one day of rest, and that tore me away from my thoughts.

No, the boat, we had to make it.

But what day was it? How long had I slept?

I rushed to stand again, only for Dad to catch me as I fell. He shouted for Luc, and I felt his arms trembling as he held me up.

Once I was able to reassure them both, I was not sure how long it’d been, and I watched the boat sail away without us in my mind.

I’d ruined everything, I knew it. But Luc reassured me we still had hours left, and she held my hands tight until I breathed in time with her.

Dad sat down cross legged in front of me after that, and broke it to me that he didn’t want us leaving for Ecrin today.

He doesn’t believe in you either.

My eyes stung, and my chest was aching. I almost warned him for fear I was about to faint again, but then if I was wrong, he’d never trust me to be alone again. And Dear Goddess, if I really did ruin everything, not just for me, but for Luc-

The curse slips through my mind without me realising, and I made a mental note to apologise in prayer later.

Luc came back to save me in the middle of my rushed explanation of why our original plan was still for the best.

Saving you, like always.

The thought sprung forward bitterely, without me meaning it to.

She got us to agree to having breakfast, then rediscussing this.

Somehow, we were able to convince Dad it was still fine for me to leave tonight.

Luc and I were walking as fast as she dared let me to Tia Karina’s house.

Tia had hugs waiting for both us when she opened the door.

“I wanted to be there for you,” She’d explained, “but you know how they are. I didn’t want to make a scene on your special day.”

I was immediately bitter at both sides, them for only seeing her as an outcast, and her for letting what other people think stop her.

Apparently, my thoughts were obvious, though, because she was reassuring us she’d find a way to our graduation from the Academy, “I’ll be there in my best dress and heels, the sea itself won’t be able to stop me. ” She’d promised.

Her house was the same as ever, small and probably built solely by her, but comforting and it felt like home. She directed us inside to sit and have some tea. Luc and I sat cross legged on the floor as it brewed. When it was done, she sat down with us and caught up about everything in our lives since we’d last seen one another.

She hugged us tightly again when it was time to leave, and had us promise to take care of one another.

Next, it was time to say goodbye to our friends and family.

Well, Luc’s friends.

I swore we used to get along better, but then we got older and it seemed like the only thing that mattered was that I was a boy, and they were girls. Luc hugged each of her friends and promised them she’d be okay. Then it was time for family.

Grandmother came up first, and immediately told me to stand up straighter. Luc said, “Give him a break, he’s had a rough day.” and I was shocked at her wiling to talk back to not just an elder, but one we’re related to.

After Grandmother gave us a list of things to not do and told us to make her proud.

Abuelo and Abuela were next.

Abuelo hugged Luc tightly, and I secretely hoped for the same, but then mentally kicked myself in the shin. I shouldn’t want that, what was I, weak?

Abuelo patted me on the back with an easy, warm smile though, and I told myself that was enough.

Abuela came over carrying as many bags as her arms could hold.

“Food for your journey, " she explained, passing all of them to me.

She held both of us for what seemed like hours, but simultaneously not long enough.

Next was every Tio and Tia, and every Primo. Luc was hugged by every family member, but only the women and girls hugged me. I tried my best not to let that sting, because I knew they just didn’t want to coddle me.

Dad headed over to us last, after helping Abuelo and Abuela back home.

He asked again if I was sure about leaving today, and I assured him I was fine.

He held both of us tight, and suddenly I was a small child again, wearing black clothes and clenching his hand in my smaller one with Luc on the other side.

The boat ride to Ecrin seemed to take forever and no time at all.

Halfway through, I couldn’t escape the vision of Dad taking the fishing boat out all alone without us to help. What if he needed us and we weren’t there?

Luc was calming me from my panic before I even realised I was breathing far too quickly.

Ecrin’s port was unbelievable. Ships as far as I saw, each one made our own merchant vessal we’d ridden in on, look so small and frail. The buildings around the port were huge marvels of stone tiles and metal gears, all churning in sync. Luc had to direct me to leave the ship, since I’m caught up with all the new sights and sounds. The ocean here is far less clear than it was back home, and I wasn’t sure why. It was all the same ocean, after all. As we left the boat, a black cat ran past my feet.

The Academy building was in District 1, or so we were told. The buildings were blindingly white in this district, reflecting the sun straight into my eyes. Before I knew it, we were inside a fenced in area, with neat rows of green, small trees, each exactly alike. The academy building itself had huge arched windows with stained glass. We were led down hallway after hallway until Luc and I were forcibly split up to go into two different barracks. I missed her immediatly.

All the boys and I were put into one room, and told to pick beds. The beds were hard matresses on metal frames, with one on top of the other. I waited until everyone else had picked one, leaving me with whichever the others did not want. There were enough of us that we each had a bunkmate, crowded together in this small room.

The boy on the bed above mine was named Declan, and he seemed to immediatly find something wrong with me. Just like Grandfather.

We were toured around the building after that, and reunited with the few girls in this program, meaning I saw Luc again. I was happy to see her then mentally kicking myself for being so dependent on family. I was supposed to be the strong one, the one who’d live up to our family legacy, and I was acting like a scared child.

As we rounded one corner, I saw her for the first time in a year, after she departed for this same academy, leaving me alone on Celora.

Emily came into view and I wanted nothing more than to run to her, but I had a reputation to keep, so I kept walking and hoped to see her again after this tour was over.

They showed us where we’d train, and the hall where we’d eat, the bathrooms, and then back outside where we’d later learn to patrol.